YOU ARE NOT ALONE

My name is Susan Cleland and this is my story... 

My firstborn and my oldest son, Michael, dealt with mental health issues. As a veteran of the Air Force, he worked on search and rescue planes. He was a devout Christian, he loved fiercely, but he suffered silently through dark times with anger issues, which ultimately cost him his life. 

In the summer of 2019, Michael died by suicide. No one ever knew his struggles were 

so deep. 

My prayer is simple. If we can help save even just one family from this heartache, I pray that the Lord gives us the strength and the courage to stand and make a difference. God gives us so much grace and He NEVER stops loving us. Through his grace, we shall see the light again. 

Every day, 22 men & women in uniform that lose there lives to suicide everyday. We made a decision as a family to start a non-profit, Mission Vigilant for the 22 to reach out to the community and do everything we can to help. 

You can read more about Susan and her family at FacebooK: MVForthe22

Jan 12, 1992: a day I will never forget. My only sister Charlotte took her life. 

Rewind: In the early 1980s, she started having depression. She was 17, and I was five. One episode I will never forget…. I was the last child picked up from daycare. Unusual. I was scared. I feared something was wrong. It bothered me so much that I asked the teacher where my parents were “They will be here,” she said. I don’t even recall who picked me up. My mom was in the hospital with my sister who attempted suicide for the first time. Pills. I was left to my father and brother that night. My brother was 13. My dad, alcoholic and all, was drinking. My brother was doing his best to be there for me emotionally. 

From that day on, the rest of life was dysfunctional. My mom neglected me a lot because my sister was always making trouble. I raised myself really. I remember the alone feeling. Things were more serious than I knew. 

Charlotte was diagnosed as schizophrenic. One or even two more episodes to attempt to take her life over the next decade would happen. I feel like she was misdiagnosed and was really bipolar. The stigma of mental illness made my brother and me embarrassed. I was resentful, felt shortchanged. I loved her, but why? Please stop doing this to our family! Off and on medications, changes; it was pure hell. 

Well, when she turned 25, something finally good came from this chaotic life. She became pregnant with my most adorable nephew in the world, Allen. That pregnancy had ups and downs. He entered my world on July 2, 1987. I was overjoyed. He was healthy Truly a blessing. Enter: postpartum depression. Hospitalized for six weeks. I spent my summer as a 14-year old mother instead of being with my friends. It was worth it because I adored Allen. I was the main caregiver of a newborn. 

The next four years continued in chaos. My brother and I felt the stigma. Oh, and Allen’s father, absent. My dad was Allen’s “father.” I was so tired of the attention she got. I started acting out and became pregnant myself at 17. I was actually glad. It meant I was leaving the chaos. Little did I know…. 

In December of 1991, my sister had to go for inpatient treatment—just one of the many times—not knowing that it would be the last time.  Then, on January 11, 1992, my sister called me. She was in an unusually good mood. She sounded better than she had in years. It left me puzzled. The call was the last one I would ever get from her. I won’t go into specifics, but the next day, she died from a gun-shot wound to the head. I was mad; I felt cheated; I felt all kinds of emotions. Grief was not the first one; shock was the first. I had just talked with her. Now I never would again. 

The ones who take their lives are in the heat of the moment, in my opinion. Permanent solution to a temporary problem. They don’t understand how their survivors live with so much grief and conflicting emotions. It’s been 28 years since Charlotte’s death but seems like yesterday to me. The song “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton was popular then. I call it my song because it relates to my sister and me. 

KEEP HOPE!! Ditch the stigma! Get help! Don’t leave your loved ones behind. And, loved ones, don’t be like I was. Be there for your sick family member. Don’t shy away because of the stigma of mental illness. Stick by your loved one who is ill; they need you the most now, more than they ever did. They have feelings, and ignoring those feelings hurts them deeply. If you don’t know what to say, just stay with them. This way you know, if they tragically end their lives, you were there and did your part for them! 

Sincerely, 

Kim